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    Copyright © 2015 unruly


    Brokeny can be a good thing. Brokeny can be a thing I like, and often is.

    Maybe how I feel about brokeny is because I grew up in a household populated by a one-eyed cat and a three-legged cat. They started out complete, those two, but life dealt each beast a blow so their bodies could not be whole. And they made up for their deficits and managed — did much better than “manage”, actually — and maybe I’m just a sentimental sap, but I love that. Love stories about the laying waste to the obstacle of brokenness or incompleteness — love any kind of tale with overcomey overtones.

    Hah. Easy to say all that cos when I first wrote those words ages ago, I was healthy, but now? Now there’s the issue of the monster in my throat, and that certainly changes some of the folderol in my brain. Sometimes you get kind of brokeny and that’s where I am now.

    This winter, I was diagnosed with not one but two nodules (“nodules”! FFS, why does the language of illness have to be so ugly? Isn’t it enough that the reality itself is so unlovely?) on my thyroid, one small, one large. The large nodule is sizeable enough that it bulges my neck out somewhat, so my vanity takes a bit of a beating. But it’s just a cyst and cysts aren’t really medically scary in this situation, just a bit inconvenient. The other nodule is a hard little calcification, a much more concerning beastie, in terms of cancer worries. (My calcification has been biopsied and is NOT malignant, just so you know.) This has been a bit of a drag but really it’s just the most minor of minor medical inconveniences; I’m being monitored by a kickass endocrinologist and all has been essentially well.

    Until I woke up on Mother’s Day morning to some unwelcome change:  overnight, the cyst had doubled in size — yes, actually literally doubled (and it was already large) — and become dreadfully painful. I’ve since seen the endocrinologist and had an ultrasound and learned the unpleasant reality is that the cyst for some reason became engorged with blood. Had it just (re-)filled with cystic fluid, the doctor could have done a second fine-needle aspiration (I had the first one in April) and removed some of the fluid, which would have alleviated a big old bunch of pressure and pain. But with bleeding, well, you run the risk of making that worse by poking a needle into the compromised structure, instead of better, so I got sent home, sans needle-poke, to wait and see if some or all of that blood would reabsorb into my system on its own. Wait is all I’ve done this week and it’s been surprisingly difficult, both physically and emotionally.

    Before this, I had never (of course) given a moment’s thought to my neck and how much it’s implicated in most of what I do. Walking? Hurts my neck like fuck. Swallowing has been blindingly painful, obvs. I can’t hug someone taller than me because then my neck gets pressed into their body and that is BAD. (I found this out the hard way.) Washing dishes? Fucking painful. Coughing? Shoot me now. Laughing? Brings tears to my eyes and not — not — in a good way. Bending down to fill the cats’ dishes with food or water? Not happening, man. I walked out in the world to do some banking yesterday and for the rest of the day I was just sandbagged by pain. So yeah, hurty, etc., etc. And the doctor’s orders for recovery? Near-total rest. No exercise. No lifting. No housework. No nothing, really. And altho’ intellectually “go home and lie in bed til the pain and engorgement subside” maybe sounds like a “w00t! Now-I-get-a-lying-in-bed-reading-and-watching-documentaries-on-Mr.-Lappy-while-everyone-else-does-the-cooking-and-shit” vacation of delicious medico-sanctioned sloth kind of dealie, the reality has been something quite different. Most of this time I’ve been so overwhelmed by hurting (and truly, I’m good at handling pain, like everyone in my family) that I haven’t been able to concentrate anywhere near enough to read a book. So instead I’ve just lain in bed watching the most execrable poo on TV (because execrable TV-poo demands nothing of you tho’ it can, sadly, bring you to a dark place of heightened  misanthropy) and fallen into weird, fucky, fevered-dream fugue states of fitful unpleasantness, not unlike the hallucinatory demi-naps that overtook me when I was a small child broiled with scarlet fever.

    And then, in the moments of feeling less overcome by difficult sensation, I’m bored shitless. Seriously. It’s gorgeous here and I want to be out in the world, doing things. And I can’t be. And I’m pissed: this is all just such a monumental waste of time.

    The good news is that I seem to have turned a corner overnight because I woke up in less pain this morning than since this whole blood-filled-sac-of-misery thing started, and feeling more like myself. Which isn’t to say I’m going to go out and chop six cords of wood or anything because I’ve been told to do next to nothing until next Wednesday, for fear of rupturing the motherfucking monster in my throat and I know I well and truly do not wish to do that. So instead I will lie here doing precious little and that’s okay.

    And in all truth, this brokeny time has given me a shiversome great idea for a big and long thing to write and that is quite yay happy joyful. So maybe it’s true after all, maybe the monster in my throat comes bearing a gift, maybe there is value in flaw and breakdown and bleed. Plus, in the long-term I’m gonna need surgery and that means I’m gonna end up with a boss neck-scar and the opportunity to tell some pretty badass tall tales at cocktail parties and PTA meetings.

    fix you by woodcum on flickr
    fix you by Philipp Igumnov (aka woodcum on flickr)
    Screen shot 2012-05-18 at 10.34.09 AM
    Legsy Levin by Eelus
    Sea Nymph by Josh Beckman
    Macarong07 by Carl Kleiner
    Photograph by Carl Kleiner
    Play-R Grip by A vs B collab between Anne de Vries and Billy Rennekamp 2010 via vvork
    Play-R Grip, 2010 by A vs B, a collaboration between Anne de Vries and Billy Rennekamp. Via VVORK
    Contracture provoquée, medical engraving.
    Via Cornell University
    shock proof via tjep
    Shock proof by Tjep
    still life with trees, 2009, by Cornelia Konrads
    hot with the chance of late storm by the glue society
    Hot With the Chance of Late Storm by The Glue Society
    Dead insects peeled off the windshield of a car photographed by Voker Steger
    Dead insect peeled off the windshield of a car, from the Crash series by Volker Steger
    sculpture via ffffound
    Image via ffffound
    Roa_Oil-Refinery_Nov10 via unurth
    Work by Roa.
    Via Unurth
    aerial-glass-via colossal
    Aérial, 2012, by Baptiste Debombourg
    First aid pamphlet originally published by The St. Johns Ambulance Association of the Order of St. John, The British Red Cross and The St. Andrew’s Ambulance Association.
    From a first aid pamphlet originally published by the St. Johns Ambulance Association
    Ruin 2011 by Tamas Dezso via heyhotshot
    Ruin, 2011, by Tamas Dezso.
    Via Hey, Hot Shot!
    photo by tim barber
    Photo by Tim Barber
    Seagull Help by Corey Arnold
    Seagull Help by Corey Arnold
    black small from the Weight of Air series, 2010, by Myung-Sun Kim.
    Via Gendai
    davidmcmillan-pripyat floors
    Pripyat floor, Chernobyl, photographed by David McMillan
    painting by martin wittfooth via my tumblr
    Fountain, 2010, by Martin Wittfooth
    painting by deth p sun via my tumblr
    Artwork by Deth P. Sun
    The Broken Column, 1944, by Frida Kahlo.
    my family dead 2009 by Adrián Villar Rojas via the colossal
    My Family Dead, 2009, by Adrián Villar Rojas.
    Via Colossal
    der rote faden by cornelia konrads, 2008
    der rote faden, 2008, by Cornelia Konrads
    Dog from Pressure by Carl Kleiner
    Photograph by Carl Kleiner
    from the Paradise has Relocated series by sandy carson
    Image from the Paradise Has Relocated project by Sandy Carson
    From the childscape series by Yusuke Suzuki
    From the Childscape series by Yusuke Suzki.
    Via fotostalgie
    Marquiza«, 2007 by Toony Navok via vvork
    Marquiza, 2007, by Toony Navok.
    Via VVORK
    Adam_Makarenko_Dead_Deer__Edition_of_10_13984_360 via bau-xiphoto
    Diorama and photograph by Adam Makarenko
    chennai via hinius on flickr
    Chennai (Less wall) via hinius' photostream on flickr
    Dead bird by WhiteFeather
    Dead bird photographed by WhiteFeather
    doubting thomas
    The Incredulity of Saint Thomas, 1601-02, by Caravaggio
    Deconstructed Radiogram by Carol Ramsay
    Deconstructed radiogram by Carol Ramsay
    flaw via tourdehood
    Flaw, Detroit, 2009.
    Via Tour de hood
    evstafiev-bosnia-cello Vedran Smajlovic Playing his Cello in the Partial Ruins of the National Library
    Vedran Smailović playing his cello in the ruins of the National Library, Serbia, 1992.
    Photograph by Mikhail Evstafiev
    explode image via ffffound
    Image via ffffound
    girafe, 2000 by vincent kohler
    Girafe, 2000, by Vincent Kohler
    work by CaiGuoQiang via acidolatte
    Work by Cai Guo Qiantg.
    Via acidolatte
    Three-legged frog, 2010, photographed by Nate Oberst.
    1 Comment

    yargh, i’m sure glad i read the new news before reading this old news. pain and boredom are one thing… frustration, though, that’s where i lose it. and of course pain and boredom feed that, too. it’s fun. will look to the latter half of june for your return to awesomeness and happiness <3

    rache added these words on May 25 12 at 8:00 am

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