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    Copyright © 2015 unruly

    Decade reflectivity

    And here we are in a brand-new decade. I like that, a lot, because I’m much attracted to notions of new beginnings, even tho’ a new decade is no more a new beginning than a new day is and I’m still actually living the same life I’ve been living all along. I mean, the digits 2-0-1-0 don’t in any way change the unfoldment of a life. But the symbolism is juicy and yummy and also the questions posed to me about the last decade and the next decade by the very clever Sheila Killian are juicy and yummy and made me engage in some reflectional brain activity, which is generally a bit hard and scary and also deeply worthwhile.

    What have you learned in the last ten years?
    That I’m strong, that I’m worthy (okay, I still struggle with this one), that I can speak in my own true voice, that I’m brave (altho’ I must be braver), that I don’t have to settle, that it’s okay to be afraid as long as you don’t let the fear rule you. To run towards the hard thing. Yes. That, more than anything, has been life-changing.

    How have you changed?
    I take risks and don’t let fear get in the way of doing the things I want to do. I’m more willing to put my real self out there and that’s helped me lay to rest a lot of my old anger and resentment. I have an inkling of how to find joy now, and how to make it. Joy. Fuck. That is the biggest thing of all.

    What was the best fun you had in the last ten years? What was the best thing you did?
    The little lake in Quebec is always the most enjoyable external thing in my life. Being there with my kids and my brothers and their families every summer is what I crave, always. Whitewater rafting with my husband and our adolescent kids, my brothers and one of my SiLs, and my septuagenarian father last summer was a highlight of the decade, too, for sure. As soon as the ride was done, we all looked at one another and said, “We’re doing that again next summer.” And so we will.

    The best things I did are these: quit smoking; moved to a house I love instead of hate; took up running and other pastimes that have made my body strong and fit and brought some peace to my wild chaoshead and perpetually roiled up soul; travelled alone; gone to Abelvær with Nina; made an unruly thing for people to read; climbed a little mountain in New Brunswick with WhiteFeather; run towards the hard things.

    What is you biggest regret of the last ten years?
    That it took me so fucking long to learn what I’ve learned. That I didn’t trust myself sufficiently to be myself.

    What made you stronger?
    Losing my job at the art magazine in 2007. That moment of smashworld was when I knew I could choose bitterness and safety and fear, or not. I chose “not”. And it changed my life, that “not”.

    Where do you want to go now?
    I want to go everywhere and do everything. I want to run through all the open doors that present themselves to me and to wrench open the closed ones. Also, I want to find a larger measure of financial stability, and to write more and well, to make art, to travel, most especially to northern places, to run the motherfucking Ottawa marathon in May, and above all else, to close my eyes and leap whenever I can.

    Can you imagine what you’ll be like, in ten years time? What age will you be? What will you be like?
    I’ll be two months away from 59. I’ll be brave and raucous and full of joy and foolishness and maybe even some goddam wisdom. I hope so. I surely do.

    What do you want to have achieved or have done by then?
    More than anything, I want to have raised up smart, strong children and to have a strong, healthy relationship with both of them. Then, I want to have travelled and adventured and made wild good writing and art and to continue doing all those things until the world stops spinning on its axis. I want to be strong in my body and the right kind of unruly in my mind. I want to be brave but always striving for braver. I want to be making as much joy as possible. I want to be a hoyden, now and then and always. I want to run into the arms of the hard things, now and then and always.

    What do you wish for yourself, in the decade to come?
    The usual things: health, happiness, peace, adventure, love, incendiary sex, wisdom, financial independence, for me and all the people I love. Hell, for everyone in the whole wide world.

    And if you’ve got a few extra bucks burning a hole in your pocket, do consider donating to the clever Sheila’s charity, Soweto Connection.

    Leap Into the Void
    Leap Into the Voidby Yves Klein, 1960
    Image via Photoshelter
    thejump copy 1
    The jump: three McDevitt children
    Photo by Stephen Ashton, 1982
    The king of doing stuff via havesomehats
    Self-portrait by Marshall Marice, via blog.photoshelter
    Self-portraitby Marshall Marice
    Image via Photoshelter
    Whitewater rafting: three generations of McDevitts on the Rivière Rouge, 2009
    Jack's life lessons, via twitpic
    scan0002 small
    Whitewater rafting: three generations of McDevitts on the Rivière Rouge, 2009
    Where I always want to be by Katy McDevitt, 2008
    self-portrait: alone in a kayak on the little lake I love by Katy McDevitt, 2008
    Image via cockrodkdisco
    Image via Cock Rock Disco
    green joy
    green joy by Katy McDevitt, 2007
    Photograph by Franck Allais, via Franck Allais
    Do epic shit via ffffound.com
    Do epic shit via ffffound
    Clarah Averbuck-ee cummings, via ffffound
    e.e. cummings, via Clarah Averbuck

    i’m glad jack’s list includes number 9, because number 10 has eluded me since birth.

    you know what i think about the rest of it, yo. yay for another ten swings around the sun!

    rache added these words on Jan 04 10 at 1:12 pm

    i came back because i forgot to reiterate how much i do love that photo of you and da boyz. cuz i do. i do a lot.

    rache added these words on Jan 04 10 at 2:26 pm

    Could be my most favouritest photo ever in the whole world in the whole history of time.

    Katy added these words on Jan 04 10 at 2:43 pm

    This past year was the first time I’ve failed since I’ve been trying. It was the first time I was really doing something with my whole un-intoxicated self and I fucking failed awesomely twice, and it burned. I’d failed in my before life, when I had more vodka than sense in my brain, so if I failed, so fucking what. At least I did so with some style (and police involvement). The last decade started with fail, middled with awesomeness, and then ended up in total fail. I’m not sure what my point is, but it was a seriously humbling decade. So I’m starting this year with a series of plan B’s (not the pills but the metaphors), and here’s hoping that I’ll keep doing what I’m really good at doing, Getting back up again and giving it another shot.

    Kim added these words on Jan 04 10 at 5:08 pm